Hello, I’m an alcoholic and I had a huge problem with God and the so called higher power when I first got sober. Sound familiar? Cool, you’re like me battling alcoholism. Doesn’t sound familiar? Even better, here you go!
You might know the feeling. Walking into a meeting, seeing God on the walls, hearing people talk about God and how he saved them and all that. Yep. I thought this was a cult. Meeting after meeting, I kept waiting for someone to come out with matching jumpsuits for us to wear and a big ole batch of kool aid to drink. But it never happened. The punchline never came. These people were serious.
Alcoholism and God
It took me a long time to come around to it. It was my secret reservation. I had hoped that one day, someone would share in a meeting, about how they got sober without a God of their understanding. But again, it never came. The people who seemed the most carefree, the most at peace, and the happiest, all had one thing in common. And as much as I hated to admit it, I wanted what they had. But I was hellbent on doing it without a higher power.
Obviously, this didn’t last very long, and relapse after relapse eventually brought me to that place of desperation and surrender. I had no other choice. I could either go on the way I was going, fighting like hell against the only thing that was proven to work, or I could just say F*** it, what have I got to lose?
So I did it. I got on my knees, and I cried. And I screamed and growled and told this God character that if he was real and cared about me, prove to me that I was worth all of this pain I had been through. The next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning, had about twenty missed calls from my friends and family, and I thought to myself, I’m done. I’m really done.
That was the last time I have put any drugs or alcohol into my body.
Now I know, you’re probably groaning to yourself, thinking oh come on, that is sappy and cliche and blah blah blah. Yeah well, you’re right. It is. But if my life hadn’t only gotten better since that day, then I promise you I wouldn’t still be here.
Alcoholism and Prayer
Now I’m not saying that I go to church, or temple, or whatever. But I can tell you that I feel better after I pray. I can tell you that I am positive that God or whatever higher power has put sober friends into my life who have been one of the greatest gifts to me. I can tell you that my parents allow me back into their house. I can tell you that I have been able to hold down a job. I can tell you that I can eat, and bathe, and interact with other human beings without having to be drunk or high.
I don’t know how it works man. But it does. And I can honestly tell you that it does not matter who or what your higher power is, as long as it has more power than you do. The coolest part about all of this God stuff is that it constantly evolves and helped me overcome alcoholism and substance abuse. That’s the beauty of it! As we grow, our conception grows, and the constant development and evolution of our conception of our higher power is what drives our recovery forward.
The moment we stop looking, or searching, or staying open to our idea of a God, is the moment that we stop recovering. It sounds like a chore, but it’s actually the coolest part of what we get to do today. We get to constantly have a changing and growing idea of a higher power, and it can be whatever the heck we want it to be!
I swear, some days when I pray, I pray to a really cool, old looking tree in my head. Other days, I pray to the moon. Sometimes I pray to the energy of the universe. But no matter what, I always pray. I always pray because it always works. I dont know why it works. But it does.
I think the fact that I am searching, and that I am willing to surrender is the main idea here. I am willing to say… okay, I don’t got this. Obviously, even in sobriety, I don’t always know the best action or decision to take. So maybe you, God, Universe, Breath, Gravity, Moon, will be able to just take this situation, and show me the right thing to do. I promise, that I will not mess it up, if you promise to keep me sober today. I promise to keep searching for you if you promise that I will not become who I used to be ever again.
The best part about having a God, higher power, universal energy, etc., in our lives, is that we don’t have to define it. We don’t have to believe what our parents wanted us to believe, unless we WANT to believe in that. WE have the power to chose what our higher power will be, and we can change and mold and build it all the time. As long as it loves us and doesn’t judge us and protects us, it is exactly what we need it to be, when we need it.
Freedom From Addiction
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