Selfishness in Addiction & Sobriety

Defining the Right Forms of Selfish Behavior in Recovery

There seems to be a common misconception about addiction that when one stops drinking and using, one will out of nowhere become the perfect person. I think as alcoholics and addicts, we have an inner need for perfection, thus, this thought process. I mean, we are only bad when we are drinking right? Mehhh, maybe not so much.

Although getting sober is a huge accomplishment in itself, just stopping isn’t always enough. We still suffer from a hopeless state of mind unless we do something about it. Getting sober, without working the steps, means that we are only throwing away our best-known security blanket and not finding a newer, better one.

But the steps are where the real work starts, we must take action. This action will consist of us facing and actively working on our character defects.

Keep reading to find out more about my thoughts on selfishness in sobriety, and how to get your own understanding of this important recovery concept!

Examples from the 12-steps for Combatting Selfishness

For example, the first step in the 12-step program is admitting that you have a problem. This might not seem like it would do much to combat selfishness, but it’s actually an important first step. Why? Because addiction thrives on denial.

When you’re in denial about your addiction, you’re more likely to make excuses and justify your bad behavior. Admitting that you have a problem is a vital step in taking responsibility for your own actions.

Let’s face it, WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT, but we can definitely be better. Since we are human, and to be human means to be fallible, even if we follow everything we are taught in AA, there will still be times when we resort back to our selfish and self-seeking patterns.

To the core the alcoholic/addict is self-centered. The only difference between addiction and sobriety is that today, our selfishness doesn’t rule us anymore, and we have the ability to change.

In active addiction, we are consumed with selfishness. We have no regard for others and rarely feel remorse for our brutal behaviors. Our favorite words are me and mine. When I was drinking, I wanted nothing to do with anyone unless I was receiving something from them (usually alcohol, drugs, and/or money.)

I was oblivious to the feelings of others and how I affected them because all that mattered was me and my booze and drugs.

Selfish Examples from a Personal Story of Active Addiction

For example, while using, my parents completely supported me. I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, tv to watch, and loved ones to ignore. I completely took advantage of my parents and their naive concept of what was best for me. I stole virtually everything in the house, and when that wasn’t enough, I manipulated them for money.

I was constantly visibly intoxicated with erratic and bizarre behaviors, even in front of younger siblings and their friends. I was completely uncaring of how I affected them because I mean it when I say this, NO ONE else mattered to me.

After years of being in and out of treatments, being kicked out of the house and then weaseling back in, self-harm, and health issues, I decided to make a change. My unhappiness had reached a boiling point. My options were clear, die or get sober.  If I stopped, my issues would go away. I’d stop hurting myself and those around me.

Shattering the Concept of Self in Order to Find Recovery

It is said the core of our disease is self-centeredness and being selfish creatures by nature, I was naive to think I would completely change overnight. I abstained from mood and mind-altering substances for a while but didn’t work a program. I remained miserable and selfish.

After a few years of going in and out, never listening to suggestions, not working a program, and just darkening the doors of meetings, I still hadn’t figured out that the problem was me. Of course, it wasn’t, how could it be?!

One day, my friend was having anxiety and instead of trying to help by really truly listening to understand, I said: “Can you please stop? Your anxiety is giving me anxiety.” A completely selfish statement. But this is real life.  A friend was having trouble and I made their trouble about me.

This realization, that I could not even hold a conversation with a troubled friend, well and a few more relapses, made me realize that indeed, I WAS THE PROBLEM. My constant worry about how I looked or what others thought of me or what I thought of myself, was getting me nowhere. I had to do something. For the first time, again, after my selfishness took me out onto a brutal run, I got on my knees and surrendered to… whatever God would listen to.

I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I didn’t want to be miserable to be around, I didn’t want to have to constantly think of what to say next or how to get the spotlight, or not get the spotlight and then get upset when people didn’t give it to me (catch-22, a real deal alcoholic over here).

Taking Suggestions on Selfishness in Sobriety

So, I took the damned suggestions I was given. I stopped guilt-tripping my parents into handing me money, got a job, and supported myself. I went through my steps and started helping other people. At first, I liked helping them because it made me feel better. Eventually, I liked helping them because I could see that it made THEM feel better.

For the first time in my life, I was able to reach my hand out and expect nothing in return. I still fall short sometimes… but today I know it is for a reason; I am not on my spiritual game. So, I started making financial and verbal amends to my family and friends, despite how scared or anxious I was about it.

I see and feel myself growing every day. I’m not always perfect, but I know that I am trying to do my best, and my best today is by being there for others.

I will never be perfect, and I will always be the completely imperfect alcoholic that I am, but as long as I am willing to face and accept my defects and have a willingness to change, I am going to continue getting better.

Although I will never be 100% selfless, I don’t have to be 100% selfish anymore.

FAQs on Selfishness in Addiction

Are alcoholics selfish?

One of the most harmful myths about addiction is that addicts are selfish people who only care about themselves. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Addiction is a disease that changes the way the brain functions. It literally alters a person’s ability to make healthy decisions. That’s why it’s so important to understand that addicts aren’t bad people, they’re struggling people. And like any other person, they need our help, not our judgment.

When someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they’re not fully in control of their own lives anymore. Their addiction takes over, making it impossible to live a normal, healthy life. Addicts will do anything to feel better, or normal – to get their drug of choice – even if it means sacrificing their job, family, friends, and personal well-being.

People with addiction engage in selfish acts often, but they aren’t choosing to be selfish; they’re compelled to act in ways that might seem selfish to the outside world because they’re in the throes of a very real and very powerful disease.

It’s easy to look at this and call it selfishness. And for ease of discussion, calling it “selfish” works. But it’s important to realize that there’s so much more to it than a person just being selfish.

What causes “selfish” behaviors in persons struggling with addiction?

People struggling with addiction (also known as substance use disorders) often engage in selfish behaviors because they are driven by their drug of choice. The chemistry of addiction causes the body to crave drugs and alcohol, so someone with a substance use disorder may do things that seem out of character just to get their fix.

Some of the more stereotypical “selfish” behaviors of persons struggling with addiction?

Some common behaviors include lying or stealing from family members and friends, making poor decisions about spending money, using the time away from work or school for drinking, or using drugs instead of working toward goals and achievements.

Substance abuse and addiction also affect judgment, so those using drugs may not think about how their actions will impact others until well after the fact.

How can I exercise empathy with a loved one struggling with addiction who displays selfish behaviors?

Listen without judgment. When someone is talking about their struggles with addiction, you need to listen without judgment or blame. You might think that their problems are their fault or that they could solve them if they just tried harder — but remember that addiction hijacks the brain’s reward system and changes how it perceives pleasure and reward.

What can persons struggling with addiction do to control their “selfish” behaviors?

There are many ways that you can start working toward recovery from an addiction, but one of the most effective methods is therapy.

Treating the Underlying Causes of Addiction

Therapy can help people identify the underlying causes of their addiction. Often, people turn to substances as a way to cope with trauma or other difficult life experiences. By identifying these experiences and learning healthy coping mechanisms, people can get sober and then reduce their risk of relapse.

In addition, therapy can help people develop a strong support system. When a loved one is struggling with addiction, it’s important that they have a solid support system in place. These are the people who will be there for them when they’re tempted to use substances, and who will help them stay on track with their recovery. Therapy can also help people develop healthy coping mechanisms for times of stress or triggers.

Finally, therapy can also help to develop a more positive outlook on life. When someone is struggling with addiction, it’s easy to see life through a negative lens. This negative outlook can lead to further substance abuse as a way to cope with difficult emotions. Therapy can help a person change they see themselves and their experiences, which can lead to improved mental health and well-being.

3 Ways Helping Others Can Make an Alcoholic Less Selfish?

Addiction is all about putting your own needs above those of others. While it’s true that addiction can make a person self-centered, the act of helping others in sobriety can actually help a person stay sober. Here’s why:

1. It keeps you focused on something other than yourself

One of the many reasons people relapse is because they get too caught up in their own heads. They start obsessing over their cravings and their past mistakes and before long, they’ve convinced themselves that they’re never going to make it.

When you’re focused on helping others, however, you don’t have as much time to dwell on your own problems. You’re too busy thinking about how you can make someone else’s life a little bit better. And that can make all the difference in the world.

2. It gives you a sense of purpose

Another common reason that people relapse is that they feel like their lives have no purpose. They may have given up their jobs, hobbies, and social circles when they got sober, and they haven’t been able to find anything to replace those things yet. As a result, they feel lost and alone and like there’s no point in going on.

When you’re helping others in sobriety, however, you have a sense of purpose. You know that what you’re doing is making a difference in the world, and that can be incredibly motivating.

3. It helps you build a support network

One of the most important things in recovery is having a strong support network. When you’re helping others in sobriety, you’re automatically building relationships with like-minded individuals who can provide emotional and practical support when you need it most.

These relationships can make all the difference when times are tough and provide an invaluable resource for staying sober in the long run.

What Steps can I take to help my loved one who is struggling with addiction?

It can be tempting to look at a loved one’s behavior and simply wonder why addicts are selfish, but that won’t be helpful. Instead of focusing on that, focus on concrete steps you can take to help them.

First and foremost, don’t enable addictive behavior by allowing or facilitating drug use or alcoholism—this will only make his or her situation worse in the long run.

Additionally, it’s important to educate yourself about addiction. If you don’t understand it, it can be difficult to know how to help someone who is struggling with it. Take some time to read up on the topic so that you can better understand what your loved one is going through. This will also help you avoid inadvertently enabling their addiction by doing things like giving them money or covering for them at work.

Transparency and Presenting Treatment Options

It’s also important to have an open and honest conversation with your loved one about their addiction. They need to know that you’re there for them and that you want to help them recover. This conversation isn’t always easy, but it’s worth having. Avoid being judgmental or coming across as lecturing. Instead, focus on listening and showing support.

Finally, you should help your loved one find treatment if they’re willing. This may involve research, making phone calls, or even attending appointments with them. If they’re not sure where to start, there are many resources available online and through community organizations. And remember, treatment looks different for everyone, so don’t hesitate to ask questions or get more information before making a decision.

At Find Addiction Rehabs, we are proud to serve as a single-stop source for all your addiction treatment needs and can help you address any questions you may have about what makes treatment effective, and how to find the right rehab. We also have certified interventionists on staff and can assist you in planning if such services are needed to help get your loved one to commit to their recovery.

You can also encourage your loved one to join a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).  These groups provide an invaluable resource for addicts trying to overcome their struggles by providing peer support and guidance through recovery.

Find Help for Yourself or a Loved One: Get Treatment Options Now

If you are struggling with a substance abuse problem, finding the right form of help is the foundation for lasting sobriety.

A confidential call to Find Addiction Rehabs can give you options, so give yourself a break and reach out now!

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