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Relationships can be a rollercoaster, filled with highs, lows, and jarring loops. But how do you know when the usual ups and downs of a relationship have become toxic?
Trauma bonding can be a deeply intense and painful thing to go through, not to mention quite difficult to recognize on your own. Whether taking form in a friendship, romantic relationship, or familial connection, it is important to know how to recognize the signs of trauma bonding.
Keep reading to learn about the 7 stages of trauma bonding, and how to safely let go of this emotional attachment and move on to building healthier, more stable relationships.
Currently, trauma bonds are defined as a psychological response in which someone who is abused forms an unhealthy attachment or addiction to the person who is abusing them.
This occurs because the abuser is both the person causing them harm, as well as the one providing comfort after the fact. This pattern of behavior can cause the abused person to feel dependent on their abuser for validation and support.
In a trauma bond relationship, the abuser will alternate between treating the other individual poorly and positively. Over time, this can condition the abused individual into craving their approval in order to feel valued and worthy.
In any healthy relationship, an emotional bond will take hold that solidifies each partner’s dedication to the other. Couples that formed through a trauma bond, however, will have a connection that is closer to addiction.
In these cases, the abused individual will become dependent on their abuser, and by no fault of their own. Unfortunately, the abuser is usually an expert manipulator, making their partners feel loved, desired, and appreciated.
Once their partner becomes comfortable, however, this behavior switches. They become cruel and distant and manipulate their partner into thinking that they are the problem.
Once they have successfully diminished their partner’s self-worth, they will switch to being loving again. And thus, the pattern continues.
This is known as intermittent reinforcement and will keep their partner hooked on the need for the high that comes with their abuser’s positive behavior.
This is very similar to drug and alcohol abuse, in which the high produced by these substances become so addictive that the user continuously craves it when not using. Like with addiction, leaving an abusive partner can be extremely difficult because of this dependency on them.
Going through any sort of traumatic or stressful event with another individual can also bond you to them, even if they are the ones responsible for causing this distress.
When this happens, leaving the other person can feel impossible, whether this is because you have become so used to living with the abuse, or because the other person refuses to let you leave.
The poor treatment endured in such a bond can be incredibly damaging to your physical and emotional well-being and can make you feel like you are trapped in the situation.
A narcissist trauma bond can be one of the most difficult types of relationships to have to endure, as these can very often leave you feeling crazy and responsible for the trauma you are being put through.
This is because narcissists are master manipulators, and can make detecting the warning signs of their abuse extremely difficult. These relationships make you feel like their toxic behavior is completely normal, and often leave you too emotionally exhausted to fight back or leave.
In many cases, the narcissist will demand your love, attention, and validation, while offering none of this in return. They will often make it impossible to resolve conflict and will shift blame onto you for their behavior and shortcomings.
Having an open and logical discussion with these individuals will not be an option, as they are master gaslighters and often cannot accept criticism or advice from other people.
The silent treatment will be a favored option on their part, as it leaves their partner feeling responsible and guilty for upsetting the narcissist. This will usually wind up in the abused individual simply dropping the subject, so as not to further upset their abuser.
In many cases, narcissistic abuse can progress to sexual abuse and other forms of domestic violence. Unfortunately, this may occur at such a late stage in the relationship that, for the abused partner, it can be extremely difficult to recognize this behavior for what it is.
Whether you feel like you are currently in a trauma bond relationship, or want to know how to avoid falling into this situation, knowing how to recognize the stages of trauma bonding can help you heal from these situations and form healthier relationships. In cases of long-term trauma from such a relationship, the inpatient treatment setting and support of a trauma rehab program can provide the highest level of care.
One of the first signs that you are forming an unhealthy relationship is the presence of love bombing in its early stages. This is characterized by excessive amounts of love and affection given by the abuser, which can make you feel appreciated and important.
The love bombing stage can make the connection feel genuine and exciting in the beginning stages of the relationship, especially if you previously suffered trauma or neglect in your childhood.
In comparison to the lack of attention received as a child, this sudden affection can feel great. However, this can also be harmful, and make it feel extremely hard to leave the relationship.
If the person who is love bombing knows of your history, then this love bombing will usually be a way to get you under their control and make you feel dependent on them for validation.
Your abuser will place you on a pedestal, making you feel like you are perfect and the only person who can make them happy. Unfortunately, this also sets up the expectation that you are not allowed to make mistakes, or be anything less than the abuser’s idea of perfection.
This, of course, is an incredibly unhealthy and unfair expectation to place on you. It can make you feel as though you must act and feel a certain way in order to fit your partner’s ideal, and removes any ability to behave autonomously or authentically to yourself.
While placing you on a pedestal helps make sure the connection feels deep; however, it also makes you more vulnerable to psychological abuse, and makes it easier to form an unhealthy attachment between you and your abuser.
Because they make you feel like they view you so highly, leaving them can feel like you are abandoning them as well as your only source of love and validation.
One of the most important things an abuser will do when trapping someone into a trauma bond is getting them to trust them. The most tell-tale sign of this is if your partner has started trying to control you.
This will likely start in small ways, such as suggesting what clothes you should and shouldn’t wear, criticizing your spending habits, or nit-picking who you choose to hang out with. Because they are your partner, their judgment may feel more informed than your own.
Once you start conforming to their opinions on your choices, this controlling behavior will likely escalate, to the point where they are the ones in charge of your decisions.
Going against their desires may have negative repercussions, in the form of emotional or physical abuse, in which the blame will be placed entirely on you.
Furthermore, once you have been isolated from your friends and family, or you have become financially dependent upon your partner, leaving them will become all the more difficult, as your abuser will feel like the only support system you have.
This can be quite similar to Stockholm syndrome, in which the victim learns to love their abuser through forced proximity.
Once you have become dependent on your abuser and place a certain level of value in their opinion, this is when they will usually start the devaluation process. During this period, they will gradually start to criticize and undermine you, diminishing your sense of self-worth.
Destroying your sense of confidence will give them more power and control over you, and will make it feel harder to leave, as your abuser has led you to believe that they are the only people who will be able to love and accept you.
Ultimately, abusive individuals seek power over others. Their best ways of achieving this is through emotionally neglecting the other person’s feelings and causing them to lose all sense of self-confidence and worth, except that which is occasionally provided by their abuser.
One of the biggest and most difficult to detect signs of a trauma bond is the presence of gaslighting in the relationship. This is a type of extreme emotional manipulation that can cause you to doubt your own memory, perception, and sanity.
This technique is all too often used by abusive individuals as a way of controlling their victims and making them believe that they are crazy whenever they question the actions of their abuser.
This is done by telling the abused individual that they are crazy, imagining things, are too sensitive, paranoid, or simply misunderstanding the abusers’ intentions whenever they try to confront their abuser about their poor behavior.
This can cause severe emotional trauma, making you feel like you are the problem in the relationship. You may begin to compartmentalize your emotions and downplay the abuse as a way to keep your abuser happy and avoid conflict.
Unlike the normal progression of a healthy relationship, a trauma bond will feature a repeated cycle of abuse, love-bombing, and a return to abuse. This can make you feel stuck and exhausted, and eventually cause you to resign and submit yourself to this abusive behavior.
While to an outsider this may seem like something that can be easily identified and avoided, the psychological manipulation and abuse endured by the victim as their relationship tries to progress can make it incredibly difficult to break these destructive attachments.
There may be many reasons why you may feel like you are unable to leave an abusive person. Your abuser may make you feel like you are unworthy of better treatment, or has isolated you from your friends and family, making you dependent on their “support.”
The sixth stage of trauma bonding can be one of the most difficult to experience. At some point in the relationship, the abused individual will lose all sense of self. They will no longer remember who they used to be or what brought them joy before the relationship.
This usually happens because of the destruction of their self-esteem in these abusive relationships, and they lose themselves trying to fit the ideal image their partner has created for them.
Many people who have made it out of a trauma bond relationship need to receive trauma-informed care and intensive therapy in order to rebuild their sense of true self and reprogram their brains to have a healthier and stable mentality.
The final part in the 7 stages of trauma bonding will be characterized by forming an emotional addiction to your abuser.
This happens when you have become used to the extreme lows of your abuser’s behavior and are being fueled by the euphoric rush that comes with the periodic highs where your abuser is kind or validating towards you.
At this point, you will feel unable to leave the relationship, as you have become addicted to the brain chemistry associated with the anticipation of the occasional highs that come with traumatic bonding.
This is similar to an alcohol or drug addiction, in which the brain becomes chemically dependent on the abused substance and the highs it can produce.
In both cases, there is something to which the individual has become addicted, and will have a hard time letting go of on their own.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, there are ways to break free from the cycle of trauma bonding and reclaim your life. The most important step in the healing process will be to get professional support.
Speaking with mental health specialists and trauma counselors can be an invaluable tool for breaking trauma bonds, especially during the early stages of recovery.
Talking about your feelings and relationship experience with someone who has an objective perspective on the relationship can help validate your emotions and help you move past the influences your abuser has had on your perspective.
Building a healthier support system with trusted family members and friends can also help you re-learn what a safe and stable relationship looks like, and provide you with the necessary emotional support to be able to rebuild a healthy life.
There are several other tips and methods that can be extremely helpful on your healing journey. These include:
Understanding the stages of trauma bonding can be extremely helpful for identifying whether you or someone you know is in an unhealthy relationship. But when it comes to identifying this relationship dynamic on a personal level, it may be harder to accept.
There are several signs of trauma bonding that you may experience when in one of these relationships, including:
Getting out of a toxic relationship and re-learning how to build mutually supportive and healthy relationships can be a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do after having grown accustomed to constant abuse and devaluation.
If you are in this situation, it is important to speak with a mental health professional or trauma specialist before this relationship goes too far, or leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drug and alcohol abuse.
If you are struggling with these issues, know that you are not alone, and help IS available. Call the Rehabs Of Armerica hotline for recovery support and information on trauma and addiction rehab programs that can help you build a happier and healthier lifestyle, today!
Nicole R. is an experienced and accomplished writer with special interests in the fields of Anthropology, English, and behavioral health, and has written countless articles for newspaper publications, institutional research journals, and Find Addiction Rehabs.
Her alma matter is Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. Nicole hopes to spread awareness of and combat the stigmatization surrounding addiction and substance abuse treatment through her writing and work in the field.
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